Beautifully Un-Phased c. 04/2021
I scratch when I'm not present or feeling insecure
I thought i grew out of these feelings but how can I be sure
if I been dealing & not healing then what else is lying
raw beneath the surface just waiting to sound off?
People say I'm pretty but they never seen the battle
They'd be baffled
if they knew the comments in my head that's made when I be chattin
For my health is why I tell you I'm in skin care
And that's a part of it but it ain't all that's in there.
Coming from Mom is obligation, from myself, just affirmations,
but he desire to be confirmed is fucking me up in this matrix.
I know what I have. I know what I hold.
Trying to see past the hard crust to get the gold
is really bold when the wall that's being put up is hella old
and you kinda wanna fold
cause the work to tear it down is hard shit and you know..
Is it too much to ask to be called beautiful
when the physique and outer layer ain't exactly centerfold?
Trynna scrub it off daily; aloe, oils, butters, can't be
this hard to get my skin back to where I look & don't
What I see, is something that can stand to be fixed.
And I get real ticked thinking about this predicament.
Like, how'd I even get here? I did everything right!
Eat good and wash daily, moisturize rising and night
But clearly I gotta get to "I love me, despite..."
Cause when I'm looking in the mirror and I don't like what's looking back,
I start to hear all the voices that used to attack:
The pointing & the laughing -- I'm just the butt of the joke
and when I try a rebuttal I just stand there and choke.
Cause they ain't said nothing fake.
The words they speaking be true.
Questions I never thought to ask like "Who'd be attracted to you?"
"Who'd think you was cute?"
Leaving it open ended for my mind to be consumed
I don't know.
That's the answer.
Cause I haven't met them yet.
And if I did, I'd know it cause I'd never forget.
I just wanna get to a place where I'm dripping with grace & good taste
and nothing about my outer takes the smile off my face.
I don't want pity compliments from people who "love" me
just trying to make me feel better in the moments of vulnerability.
I want to know it and feel it no matter what my skin do.
But I'm sensitive just like it so I gotta be careful.
Clearly there's more to heal, to discover, to face, to choose, to embrace
I wanna feel what it is to be beautifully un-phased.
Rooted c. 08/2021
I am the garden in the window sill
trying so desperately to get my fill
when unfulfilled beings try to come & steal
what the sun gives so freely & they test my will
to draw lines in the sand or the dirt I suppose
wishing i had thorns to turn them off like the rose
growing next to me but let them see what favor looks like
when you release the control & surrender to light
I might, break you off a piece of all this knowledge I've gathered
let you turn it into wisdom so your world's not scattered
Pitter patter on the road thinking the latter is after
when the laughter is the ladder to the peace that you're after.
So you can go go and know growth & take notes,
watch videos, but soul glow ain't no hoe like that drip from your wash-n-go,
not sold in a bottle cause ain't no formula that cold.
So dig deep, plant your own seeds, ask Spirit how this life goes & grow
Over there. In your own lane, cause we not the same.
Got different dirt, need different rain.
Growing different leaves, I wax, you wane
on different time, I reach, you hang.
So get your needs without crossing me while I blossom here on this window pane.
Greatness Freestyle c. 12/2020
Girrrrl what’s a lifestyle
Skyn only, no magnums
Thought you had him
Then I pulled up and bagged him
Thought I was gold but I turned out to be platinum
This ain’t yo scene so I grabbed yo bags and packed em
Don’t ask me what do I bring
Fuck all ya tables n tingz
Making my life outta dreams
I’m copping land overseas
The PJ hold 15
But with the pilot it’s 3
Real life magician, those beneath me neva see me
Chile, Of all the options, you chose to be basic
My bag got more than money so excuse me while I chase it
Imma make it
Real and neva faked it
I been hit with so much shit cause God said I can take it (AND DID)
Now here I am on the other side of growth
Using all these gems like some infinity stones
I’m in my greatness
I got em shaking
Think they going places but they running circles pacing
Stay hating and aiming — But they miss
Exposing holes in these cheesy niggas like Swiss
Bitch, You mixing messy, I don’t want what’s in yo dip
So you betta watch ya mouth before I break you like a chip
Shit, You’ll get hip and step it up and catch a grip
(I) Could fuck you up forreal, but for now I’ll just use the tip
Saturn Scriptures c. 04/2020
You used to whisper ‘thank you’ in my ear
And suddenly you’re not here.
You used to pipe me downnnnn
Now you’re nowhere to be found.
To be missing the sound of a silent voice
Known for holding it all in until feeling void of choice
Like the screams we often murmured out of consideration
During visitations forbidden.
Public physical contact but intimacy hidden
I was scared a’ you!
Bold! And Confident!
No fucks given — As you should!
But I knew the bed we made and lied in couldn’t lead to any good
So there you stood, astounded
That I was so grounded
And wouldn’t let you toy with me any longer
For I was beginning to know my worth and that alone made my value stronger.
Oh, how costly it became to spend time on you
So much energy pretending we could make it nu,
Clinging desperately to mirages of what was once true:
The rush of intertwining with your essence hidden from view.
Yearns for your caress and firm grip held my attention until you
Showed up to make naughty day dreams come true.
But when smoke faded and bodies collapsed onto their respected paths
And connections tanked and growth is happened fast
And honesty finally broke the bondages that held us back
The whisper I returned fell on ether’s ears instead of you.
c. 11/2020 Unpoplular Opinion
Our stolen ancestors didn’t fight and die for our right to vote. They fought for equality and being able to vote was just one way they thought they’d accomplish that. In all this time, don’t you think this country, that was never meant to be a safe haven or place of comfort, never meant to be our home, has reconfigured their system to be able to seemingly give us what we ask for while actually achieving what they had planned all along? I am no longer a willing participant in a game that not only I never asked to play but that has been rigged for centuries to my detriment.
I’m not living in a fantasy; I’m letting Spirit guide me to a new reality.
**All You Read and Hear are Original Works Directly From the Pen of Kadijah Raquel**
STEP UP c. 12/2021
’Tis the season to stop giving reasons
To run from the deep end & pretend to see none
Of the ways you get in the way.
In a daze for days in foggy haze from your habits you say you got control of
The fray & disarray that further dismays
The release from this continuous maze
Aren’t you sick of your shit?
Tired of running from present moments?
Slick shifts or discontent
Can amount to the bricks you building with—
But your crib must be a tent.
No foundation keeping your place from blowing like toothpicks in the wind.
Time & time again you ask.
Sent help through your friend, it ain’t last.
Glad you finally took off the mask, but
When were you gone sit and ask what to do?
How to move?
Through modes and versions of truth that keep you the most you
And full hue
Cause no one does what you do.
Not the way you finesse or dress or grow through them tests
Or confess & attest
To being the one ripping hearts out of chests
Whether it was your intention or
Results of karmic conditions
But now you moving forward & niggas think that you trippin.
’Tis the season
To give reason
For the faith, trust, & surrender
Following Spirit like I’m the fan club president and most active member.
My whole life shifted on the 1st of September, I remember
A lot of pain & trauma resurfaced for healing over dealing
For feeling & revealing
Releasing, breathing, peeling back the layers of the building
The brick, mortar, concrete & dry wall
Insulation of coping to avoid it all
Demolition w/o restriction
It was meant to fall.
Every room, every hall,
Spring, summer, fall
And winter is when I got the full picture
God tried to show me but I missed her
So she circled back around cause her love
Is that profound.
Had to step back to really see—
My God’s bigger.
c. 08/2021 A Bird's Eye View
I am the bird that soars above
that wears a crown and has a belly full of love
Wingspan bigger than that of the whole
Where I'm going only Spirit knows.
All others that fly besides
are no bigger than the twinkles in my eye.
Staying focused and keeping my sight high
Floating on the breeze, making movements slight
I'm enjoying this height.
No plight or fights.
Just lights from the stars I've seemed to drift towards
In the orbits i'm engorged with power
that shoots me beyond this time.
And you don't have to get it cause this experience is mine.
It's my time.